is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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