Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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