he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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