Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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