I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Randomize
