It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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