Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Randomize
