Your mouth is God's brothel.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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