even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
