Please, let me fuck your mom
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
