Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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