I'm gonna have a badass scar
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
