I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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