If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
