Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I made him laugh his dick is mine
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
