What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
