All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
