Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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