If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
