You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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