My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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