the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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