So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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