Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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