I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
