somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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