Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
