If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
