The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
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