Your face is a jimmy john
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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