Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
