Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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