if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
