Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I fill condoms, not promises.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
