So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
