I think I won the penis lottery.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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