get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
