I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
