i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
