When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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