You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
We don't watch enough power rangers
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
