Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
