FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
