I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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