2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
My cat gives me a boner
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize