I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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