You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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