Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
