Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
