Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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