How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
