First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
