i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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