He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
