My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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