So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
