I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
