I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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