On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
