oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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