I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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