The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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