4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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