'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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