this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
it's like iHOP with fire
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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