So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
