Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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