Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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