I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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